Johnny and I - 7/3/15
As you can see our interaction is usually restricted to punching each other in the face but on this particular evening we're having a chat about mindfulness. Lately there is a different kind of light in his eyes and it looks like this mindfulness business is the reason. Little did I know that this conversation would change me and my life. Johnny: "Do you know I realised that the time when I am happiest is when I am on the train on a Friday evening going home?"
Me: "Really?"
Johnny: "Yeah, when I am standing on that train at 5:30pm on a Friday, surrounded by strangers, at that point when all the possibilities of my weekend are still there... that feeling of anticipation, THAT is when I'm happiest. That is the high point of my week."
He was like a curious scientist observing his mind, striving for objectivity and loving the journey. His new perspective meant he could find gold in the most mundane experiences.
I knew something had shifted in me after that conversation but the epiphany which followed surprised me. The next day was payday, and apart from putting a percentage aside for savings and attending to expenses etc, buying a book or several is my usual habit. But I remembered what Johnny said and in a fraction of a second I reverse engineered the whole process of how I create and satisfy the desire for new books.
And then what happens?
Well, not much actually. As Johnny said there is nothing quite like anticipation. Generally once I own the book I am not nearly as excited about it. In fact, I'm not too proud to admit that I've attempted to buy a few books twice and Amazon have had to remind me I already own them! However as amusing as this whole process now seems to me it never stopped me from going through the whole thing again as soon as I came across the next "must-have book".
It was like a trick I'd played on myself again and again.
I didn't buy a book that week, in fact I didn't buy any books for a few weeks and my book-buying habits have now changed irreversibly. I realised that my mind is PERPETUALLY DISSATISFIED and its whims are not a reliable form of guidance. As I continue to practise mindfulness (or nonjudgmental awareness) it becomes increasingly clear to me how my mind is always looking for something better. It tries to cling to a golden past or dream of a perfect future, it does everything it can to avoid the present moment. One example of this is when I have free time, sometimes I find my mind is almost anxiously striving to make the most out of that time because it is so limited. Instead of being fully absorbed in the present it is preoccupied with what I could be missing out on. Did I choose the best thing to be doing right now? Ironically it is this very diffusion of attention that takes away from enjoying these precious moments and makes time seem to fly by too quickly.
What is really real?
Practising mindfulness and meditative awareness begins to free you from the knee-jerk reactions of your mind. It starts to become obvious that things are only "good" or "bad" depending on how we decide to categorise them. You also learn firsthand that everything is transient. Thoughts, feelings, experiences, in fact life itself...is fleeting. Everything is in a state of flux.
I have come to the conclusion that the only thing that is constant is our awareness itself, that actually the most important thing is the least tangible. Even though I still have my goals and I am determined to achieve them I am not attached to them any more. I have connected with something at my core which is real and untouchable, something beyond my mind and beyond space and time.
I call this finding forever.
Recommended Reading
The Untethered Soul by Michael A Singer Click for Amazon UK & Amazon US
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