the w0nd3r: #16 - It's Just a Ride...

Greetings Beautiful People

Long time no blog, hope you're all well.

I dedicate this post to Bill Hicks. I won't say RIP, I'll say I hope you're causing trouble somewhere :)

1) Quote

“The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill those people.”

Bill Hicks

2) Story - The Vine of Death

(Aug '08 - Secluded mountain 20 miles from Cusco, Peru @ 11,000 ft)

Ucayali River, Peru by Karen Sonqo

We wait until the sun is soon to set and then we head back up to the highest point of the mountain. We sit 3 across, Carlos to my left and Pacha to my right. The sky is orange and we are surrounded by mountains. I am first up.

"Congratulations brother." Pacha says to me, and I drink.

Carlos takes some and then gives me the remainder. I ask him if he is sure but he insists. "Trust" he says.

Within 10 minutes I feel groggy but it is a stronger feeling than last week. I lay down and then sit up. Carlos puts his poncho over my shoulders. I feel utterly baffled, as if my memory were erased and I was placed on top of a mountain with two strangers. I can feel it kicking in.

I lay back down again and close my eyes.

The first thing I notice is that there is a kaleidoscope of colours when I close my eyes. There is a feeling of movement inner and outer as these different colours move and intertwine like a sea of snakes made of hexagonal shapes. I sit up again. I look out at the sky and the clouds to the right of the horizon look like the shape of the number 3. The 3 prongs of the number are moving like fingers opening and closing and gradually there is a feeling of connection from the clouds to the sky, the moon, the mountains...

The sense of connection quickly extends to everything and with it there is an amazing peace, a stillness, as if someone has turned the volume down on the world.

It`s like up until now my vision has been two dimensional but now I am seeing in 3D for the first time. Or maybe 4D.

Perspective, time, space all lines blur. The sky and the mountains feel close enough for me to touch them. When I exhale my breath is the wind. My eyes widen as my brain struggles to take it all in. I look to my right at Pacha. His eyes are closed and he appears as big and as powerful as the mountain behind him. I can see his family ancestry in him and his facial features change subtly, reflecting the depth of these generations. I feel as though I have known him for a long time. I´m gobsmacked.

He opens his eyes, turns to me and says:

"Concentrate."

I take his advice and the effect deepens. Everything feels as though it is coming to life, as if the plants, the sky, everything is alive, everything is.... breathing.

Then I feel very emotional as the intense pain of seperation blends with the relief of homecoming. I close my eyes and see an image of a woman with a headwrap who looks African. She is in a cell, like a prison cell but much smaller with a lower ceiling, and someone snatches her baby from her. She is crying and screaming. I think this vision would have continued if I stayed focussed on it but it was too painful so I let go of it.

I lay down and cry but it is different from normal crying. It is excruciating but it feels like I am releasing pain, not just feeling it. I understand in this instant that everything that has happened in my life has been teaching me, that everything happens for a reason. There is richness, purpose, and beauty even in pain and I feel immense gratitude to life and for life.

Apart from peace the strongest feeling I have is that everything is fine. Everything is perfect, there are no mistakes or accidents and everything is exactly as it should be. All life is sacred and connected. Carlos´ words came to me many times:

"Ayahuasca shows you what is inside you".

It feels like the plant is teaching me, reminding me. I sense that there are many more levels but it is showing me what I can handle now.

It tells me that fear is not real, that we make it real. A few times I try going to the dark side but whenever I think of anything negative a high-pitched sound (like microphone feedback) rings through my head and it really hurts. It´s as though negativity doesn´t compute here.

Then comes the feeling of love. The Love. Like being wrapped in a huge invisible blanket. Like being hugged by Mother Nature herself. Ahhhh. I look down at the poncho I am wearing and I see the face of a wolf in the pattern of the material which comes up out of the fabric towards me. I close my eyes to slow the ride down but when I open them a wolf is sitting a few feet in front of me on the mountain top, looking straight at me.

My brain is trying to come up with a frame of reference let alone an opening line but I´ve got nothing. The wolf disappears.

We leave the mountain and walk back down towards the fire. My body feels like it belongs to someone else, the simplest movement requires so much concentration and I keep slipping like I’m drunk. Carlos comes over and puts an arm around my shoulders. ¨If you fall, we fall¨ he says.

"Everything´s alive" I whisper, as if it´s a secret.

I can't judge depth or distance at all, the grass feels a few feet closer than usual and in the moonlight it appears like bluish streaks of light. Some of the trees, plants, rocks etc. stand out more than others, kind of like some people do. Not only have they now got personalities but some have faces too. I stop to pay my respects on a few occasions. Carlos keels over and ralphs in the field.

Insights hit me over and over again. I understand why ayahuasca is called "the purge", "the vine of death", "the teacher". The four elements become real, not just as concepts but real things. The sun is fire, the wind is air, water nourishes, cleanses and forms 75% of my physical structure and the earth which I stand upon provides food, shelter and medicine.

I feel trust for Pacha and Carlos as though they are my brothers and I would die for them. I would give them my last penny if they asked me right now.

We spark the fire and the flames dance to about 6ft high spitting out showers of fiery sparks every now and then which disappear inches before they hit you. We sit around it and Pacha plays some music on his MP3, Carlos is on his flute.

At times we instinctively get up and do a little two step, shaking rattles and the like. At other times the feeling is so overwhelming that all 3 of us are on our knees face down in the grass like muslims at prayer. I`ve never felt so humble. Or so powerful. Sometimes I laugh hysterically. Often actually. I finally get it. My stomach´s all over the place but I don't puke.

I get the forgiveness thing again and my parents divorce flashes through my mind (when I was 8 I told my mother I thought my dad was up to no good). I am told quite clearly that I need to let go of this, that it was not my fault. This is beyond intense.

People begin to come into my consciousness, first the woman I love, then my family, my friends (even people I don´t particularly like). One by one they come to me and I smile because now I can see only perfection in them.

Pacha invites me to sit next to him. I still have my thoughts and internal dialogue but they don't have their usual power. It's like they´re optional. I am thinking about what work I will do when I return to London still feeling flooded by this feeling of peace and love when he turns to me as if reading my mind:

"Hermano..." (Brother) he says, placing his hand on my shoulder with a smile.
"...su trabajo, es amor". (Your work is love).

3) Bill Hicks – “It’s just a ride...”