Larry Winget
As I mentioned in #122 - Coaching Academy Free Training, I spent the weekend on a coaching course. It has had a huge and lasting effect on the way I communicate. As a former heavyweight champion of unsolicited advice it is amazing to be able to just listen and be a mirror so that people can see clearly. What it took me a long time to realise is that when you give unsolicited advice you are indirectly saying that you know better than the person you are advising.
"I know how to live your life better than you do", is a pretty bold statement and potentially a disrespectful one, even if it's true.
Listening from a coaching perspective without injecting your story, opinions or experiences has many benefits:
1. You understand the other person and their situation better because your focus is on them
2. The other person gets to hear themselves clearly - often this is enough for them to find their own answers [See: your girlfriend/wife/mother/female friends etc]
3. You show respect to the other person, they feel truly heard - this is rare
4. You are focused on a solution - What would you like to have happen? What's next?
5. You help the other person to find their own answers, empowering them to be independent. What are you going to do?
6. You do not carry other people's burdens - let's face it, a problem shared is often a problem doubled
7. By focusing on moving forward you challenge people to grow rather than following them round in circles as they moan and complain or recycle the past
I can only imagine the number of relationships, personal and professional, that could be saved if we all learned some listening and coaching skills.
Earlier today my girlfriend was very upset about something (thankfully not me this time). She was feeling very frustrated but I stopped myself from offering advice or my opinion and just asked her a few focused questions. These questions led her to thinking about what she could do and a few minutes later she took action. Thirty minutes later she'd spoken to someone that could help her and because she knew she had done her best she was able to let go of the situation and move on with her day.
Without this new perspective that allowed me to look at her and remember: "the answers are inside you, you already know", that whole process could have taken hours or even days. Instead the shift from "helplessness" to positive action took just a few minutes.
It was like magic.
Stay tuned, I'll be sharing some coaching tools as my knowledge grows.
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